Me too!
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
