my phone needs a breathalizer
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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