the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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