I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
