There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
