____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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