theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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