Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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