How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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