Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I wish i was in the wii world.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
