Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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