i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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