My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
