his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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