Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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