Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
