I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
