I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
