Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
