That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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