How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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