God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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