then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
