I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
