he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
