She is in my trunk
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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