This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
