After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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