Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize
