Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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