absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
