this boner is exhausting
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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