Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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