You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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