can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
