I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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