I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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