If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Randomize
