Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
