I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
