He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
