You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
