why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
