actually, I'm a sock model
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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