Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
