Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
