Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
