thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
