I'm going to jail i love you
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize