so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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