I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize