You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
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