dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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