bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
