There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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