i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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