I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
