I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
